Survival & Healing
“Just like the butterfly, I too will awaken in my own time”
(Deborah Chaskin)
Each of us has our own story to tell. Our story of suffering, our story of healing. We awaken to our healing. No-one can give it to us but sometimes others in our lives can facilitate and support the healing process. What it means to us, how we find it, are personal. And our stories, in the telling, may resonate with others, encouraging them and inspiring them on their journey. We invite you to share your story with us, so please do (Contact us). An account of what happened to you, prose, poetry – your story, your experiences. Your feelings do matter.
Healing starts with a choice
There are people who do not want to heal.
Healing involves a surrendering of attitudes that may have become so familiar to us that we are afraid to live without them.
Viktor Frankl, the renowned psychiatrist who survived the unspeakable horror of Auschwitz, describes how he was stripped down to bare existence. His entire family perished, all his possessions, even his clothes, were taken away from him. The one thing the Nazis could not take away from him was ‘the last of human freedoms – the ability to choose ones attitude in a given set of circumstances’ (from Man’s Search For Meaning. by Viktor E Frankl)
Healing is born of love
Our attitude, our desire to heal, is one part of our story. The other is the supportive love which makes this healing possible. The love of others, the love we give to others. And the love reflected in our world, if only we open our eyes to see it.
Connecting with other survivors
Many survivors of clergy sex abuse experience a breakthrough to healing once they connect with other survivors realize they are not alone in their experiences, and find mutual support and encouragement. It appears that at present there are very few sexual violence/abuse survivors groups in South Africa. If you know of such a group, or are thinking of starting one in your area, do let us know, and we'll add it to our (Links to Support) page.
Clinical therapy (psychotherapy) can help enormously. However, there are pitfalls. Some survivors in South Africa have experienced clinical psychologists who have no experience of trauma counselling, little understanding of sexual violence issues and, in some cases, little sympathy for survivors. If you choose to go for psychotherapy you may need to try several psychologists before you find someone you can trust, someone who can help you. Psychotherapy is a highly confidential, one-on-one process. This may entrench the abuse and your suffering as a private, individual matter. It may also increase the stigma attached to sexual abuse, by ‘pathologising’ your suffering. People may see it as a private problem that can only be ‘treated’ by professionals. But the community also needs to take responsibility for supporting survivors in their healing.
Empowering ourselves
The word ‘victim’ is deeply disempowering. If you look in a dictionary or in a thesaurus, you will find other words linked to it such as ‘dupe, fool, underdog’. It is a word implying helplessness, foolishness, stupidity. A survivor is someone who continues to live after going through extremes of suffering. It has connotations of strength and energy. Yet society persists in referring to those who have been sexually abused as ‘victims’. The words we use often reflect our attitudes. We can work towards altering attitudes- even our own- by using the word ‘survivor’ rather than ‘victim’. Try it out and see the difference it can make to your own perception of yourself!
However sometimes it is important to acknowledge victimization as such as long as we don’t get stuck there. If we don’t do this we may end up suppressing or ignoring some of the issues and problems associated with clergy sexual abuse and they can continue to have a negative impact on our lives – so moving from victimization to being a survivor is a process. It may be a faster process for some than for others.
Sometimes it is also important to allow this terminology during the criminal justice process – which in order to sentence appropriately needs to know how the crime has had impact on the victim/survivor.
Walking Towards the Light
Soon after South African journalist and author, Charlene Smith, was raped, she wrote a powerful article for Femina magazine, titled “Walking Towards the Light”. Her article concluded that when we finally reach the light, we find it was within us all the time.
Each of us is unique. In walking towards our own light we discover what works for our healing, and what doesn’t.
Some find that their religious practice helps them.
Others need to move away from the religion or religious faith
communities that have so hurt them, and find healing through other
modes of spirituality. One writer, SARK, found that she was able to
transform the negativity of sexual abuse by her creativity (see her
book, Inspiration Sandwich: Stories to Inspire Our Creative Freedom).
Many survivors find healing in writing, painting, handiwork, etc.
Others find healing by joining the caring professions, or by becoming
involved in organisations that alleviates the suffering of others. They
may support such organisations financially. Some become involved in
advocacy and activism, calling publicly for changes in the social
structures and legal processes of justice that allow sexual abuse and
sexual violence to thrive.
We welcome your stories of what has helped you on your journey towards
healing. Your story is very likely to inspire or help someone else.
To Write yourself Whole
Many survivors say they feel the need to write about their experiences but lack the confidence to start. We highly recommend the various courses in poetry and prose writing presented by Professor Dorian Haarhoff and colleagues. To write your way to wholeness visit: http://dorianhaarhoffwriter.homestead.com
Also highly recommended: www.capewrite.com (annual creative writing workshop in Hermanus, presented by Professor Jenefer Shute and Dr Irvine Eidelmann)
The Healing of the Community
What affects one person directly, affects all indirectly. The abuse by a religious leader of an individual has far reaching effects on and implications for the faith community. It is also a crime against society. This is reflected even in our criminal justice process - it is the State, representing society, which prosecutes sexual offenders.
A worldwide problem - when survivors of clergy sex abuse disclose abuse or lay charges against a religious leader, they are sometimes vilified, ostracized and further abused by members of their congregation. Sure signs that congregations also struggle to cope with what has happened. They too, need to heal. Very little research has been done into the effects on faith communities when a religious leader is accused or found guilty of abuse. We welcome contributions about this aspect of the problem of clergy abuse, please do feel free to (Contact Us) We value and respect your insight and perspective.